I really do have a heart
I’m fully aware that a lot of times I tend to come off as an uncaring bitch. I also know that I’ve been dubbed the ice queen for many years because of my apparent lack of emotion in most situations. I’m generally fine with that because I know it’s kind of true, I don’t tend to show my feelings, it’s just the way I am.
If I do let someone in they might see a glimmer of emotion, if I start to care about them they’ll see the ice slowly begin to melt away and once fully thawed I’ll be theirs until they do something to fuck it up.
It does take time to get to the great thaw but once it happens I’m a different person. I’ll actually care about you and show it. This is dangerous territory for me because I’m totally vulnerable and while I will probably be willing to do just about anything for you there’s still that part of me that will shut down the minute I have any reason to doubt your loyalty to me.
I have pretty high expectations of the people I let into my world but I think if you’re a decent person they’re easy to live up to.
My three golden rules:
- Don’t lie to me.
- Don’t take me for granted.
- Treat me with the same respect you expect for yourself.
Easy right? You’d be surprised how many people can’t do it. It’s why I’m permanently broken and can’t trust anyone until I’ve seen what they’re all about. I will keep people at arms length for months until I feel comfortable enough to open up even a tiny bit.
The hardest thing for me is letting my guard down and then learning that after a year or more in some cases that the person I finally let into my heart doesn’t deserve to be there.
This then makes it even harder the next time around for me to let the next person in. I figure in another few years I’ll lose the ability to defrost all together.
I tried this last time to trust and open up but the minute I did it all spiraled out of control and crashed and burned. Goes to show you that even after a year you never really know another person.
Everyone has flaws and sometimes there a minor flag – not a red flag exactly but maybe an amber flag, that’s a thing right? So this last time there maybe have been an amber flag or two, no biggie, I can deal with it because he is really a great person. He’s fun and makes me happy and not just happy when I’m with him but happy all the time. The kind of happy that has you going through your days with that goofy grin on your face because just the thought of him makes your whole body tingle and the memory of his sweet smile and his kiss just makes you weak in the knees and everything seems better.
I even kept him a secret for a really long time too because I prefer to keep people out of my business, (It’s why I blog 😜) while I get to know someone on my terms without all of the outside interference. I didn’t tell my friends or my family until about a year in, so he was my best kept secret for months. Everything was going amazingly well and I was feeling pretty confident that he really was different than the rest. I let my guard down enough to tell him where I lived (this never happens), I even saw him more than once in the same week and I finally agreed to spend the night at his house.
Then the party happened and while he was a totally different person that night I was willing to forgive and forget. I just wanted to go back to the way things were before the party, even knowing that he has flaws (who doesn’t? If I were clothing I’d forever be on the “As is” rack). I’m even aware of what the flaws are now and as long as I know what I’m in for I can deal with it accordingly.
At this point I’m not convinced that this is a forever thing but at least for now the flaws that have reared their ugly heads aren’t deal breakers.
What is a dealbreaker though is if he’s going to lie to me and treat me like I don’t matter.
If you tell someone that you miss them and they don’t say anything back other than “U had a busy weekend huh?” 😳
Ok so got the message loud and clear.
So here I am freezing up again, picking up the pieces and moving on. I’ve loaded up my social calendar to keep myself busy and if the silent treatment I’ve been getting continues then it’s probably a pretty clear indication that he’s really not that into me. (Up until I spent the night though he was all over me- the messages the nights we had together, it all felt so real and right.) If he’s had a change of heart then he has until the end of the month to tell me or start acting like he actually cares again, either way I think I can come to terms with it, much like unikitty I have an amazing ability to compartmentalize and shove all of the unpleasant feelings so deep down that they’ll never come out again.
This is the part I’m terrible at. I don’t enjoy confrontation so I will avoid it but I also can’t really say out loud how I feel for fear of rejection (even though I know there’s absolutely no reason for him to reject me, I’m a catch 😉). Of course I already feel rejected so I guess it wouldn’t be too different if I did wear my heart on my sleeve in this situation.