Catching feelings while battling the demons

Some days it doesn’t matter how confident you are there’s always that underlying insecurity that can knock the wind right out of you.

I’m pretty confident that I am a decent human being and have a lot to offer. When I do something I give it my all. I’m loyal (sometimes to a fault) and will do anything for those I care about.

I have no insecurities about my professional life and know that most days I’m pretty much killing it as a mom but when it comes to letting my guard down in a personal relationship sort of way that’s when it all falls apart.

I have many issues, some might even say subscriptions, I don’t trust easily and it can take me months before I’ll let my guard down even a little. Like pretty much anyone else in the world who has ever been on a date I’ve been hurt, I’ve been used and I’ve been let down.

I apparently have a “type”. Not that I’m saying all men are the same but the ones I meet kind of are. They start out decent because everyone can usually be decent for a couple of hours, maybe a few days, the really skilled ones even a few weeks which is why I have been on more first dates than I have second dates. In the past 12 years there have been 5 that I saw more than once. 👍🏻

Out of those 5,

  • one threatened my life over a baseball hat (a real gem),
  • one left me to go back to the ex wife he spent years divorcing (he didn’t even tell me, just disappeared and I heard from a friend he had moved back home),
  • one turned out to not be divorced at all (I now throughly investigate everyone)
  • and the other one well he was mentioned in my last post.

Live and learn right?

“If someone is stupid enough to walk away from you, be smart enough to let them go.” – unknown I can count, I know that’s only four, number 5 is ongoing at the moment , I’ve been quietly seeing him for a bit and he’s the reason I let my guard down recently. He’s also someone who’s been incredibly sweet, kind and fun to be around- someone who makes me happier than I’ve been in a while. Someone who’s different and maybe not the “type” I generally find after-all.

I recently spent the night with this one- the whole night- at his house without feeling the need to sneak out in the middle of the night and head home. This isn’t something I do, I’m not eager to “stay over” ever, it probably stems from that time I lived with a guy- I don’t know, and that’s a whole other therapy session.

So this sleepover thing it wasn’t a bad experience and I’m glad I did it because I actually really like this one. Not something I can say happens often. I generally don’t let the connection go beyond the superficial, it’s apparently a coping mechanism or something to do with self preservation but this time it’s broken. My walls came down, not completely but a little and now all of my insecurities are bubbling up to the surface and it’s probably why I’m writing this at 3am.

I put on a pretty good act most of the time, down playing the fact that on occasion I actually do have feelings but sometimes it just catches me off guard and like a punch in the gut, all of a sudden there they are- feelings.

Feelings that then trigger the insecurities- can I really trust this person, what if he’s lying to me, what if I’m not good enough.

Realistically I know I’m good enough and if someone doesn’t see that then they probably aren’t good enough for me but it doesn’t stop the self doubt.

I can’t blame anyone for my insecurities other than myself but years of being lied to, cheated on and treated like I wasn’t worth it has made me crack a little beneath the surface and has probably been what holds me back in some all of my personal relationships. I don’t like to let people in and I try to keep most at arms length- I am very aware of all of this and I’m constantly battling the demons of my past trying to not let them dictate my future.

I know I said before that I’m not really into New Years resolutions but this one seems fitting.

(Photo: from a friends Facebook page)

I’m going to try to spend 2018 trusting others and knowing my worth in all areas of my life. If that doesn’t work I’ll be online shopping in my onesie drinking wine, it’s cheaper than therapy.

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