Love isn’t just a word

I’m not waiting around for someone to come along and love me.

I learned a very long time ago that “Love” isn’t really worth waiting for anyway. Speaking from my own experiences of course, I fully get that some people are living the #hashtagblessed life, but my experience has been that love just leads to heartbreak. Time and time again when I’ve fallen in love (it was easier to fall in love when I was younger and less jaded) I’ve been lied to and cheated on and totally taken advantage of. I put up with a lot over the years in the name of love and I’m no door mat, I don’t take shit from people, but I still end up being the one leaving with more wounds than I went in with.

I’ve noticed, mostly lately, that a lot of people just throw the “L” word around like candy and often use love interchangeably with lust and the meaning of the word has really gotten lost somewhere in translation.

Most of the time people will say it because they think they should, they’ll say it because they think someone wants to hear it but do they ever really mean it?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about love and the lack of it in the world. Everyone is out for themselves and will say and do anything to get what they want.

I feel used a lot and that’s probably why I don’t easily trust or let people into my life. I have a lot of superficial acquaintances but very few people I would actually call true friends. My inner circle is small and tight and it’s what keeps me sane.

I go through phases that makes me wonder if love is even real anymore.

I’ve only said “l love you” to two people (other than my son and family members), one I was going to marry and the other I was living with and thought that we would be together for the rest of our lives. (Both “loved” me but still cheated and lied.)

I’ve heard the words “I love you” from others, most of them trying to sleep with me or convince me that I needed to lend them money or buy them something from plane tickets to cars. I’m not sure when I achieved sugar mama status but just so you know, I don’t have the means to support another high maintenance human being.

I know they didn’t love me and from my experience talk is cheap anyway, it’s their actions that will show you who you’re really dealing with.

When I hear the words “I love you” now I immediately wonder what they want.

I thought it was just me, I do have major trust issues, I am highly skeptical about just about everything but I actually sat down with several men of varying ages and asked the question, does it mean anything when you tell someone you love them?

The sad results of my informal survey was a resounding no. 90% of the guys I spoke to said they throw that word out there all the time, it’s “no big deal.”

NO BIG DEAL??!! When did love stop being a big deal? Even though I’m doing my best to be immune to it it is still a pretty big deal to me.

I worry that my son will grow up incapable of love because he doesn’t see me in any sort of meaningful relationship, is this going to scar him and cause the damage I’m trying to protect him from?

You see I don’t let anyone near the boy. There have been only a handful of men in my life over the past 12 years who even know where I live and they were never allowed to just show up. It was a meet me in the driveway sort of arrangement, they were not welcomed into my home. I like to keep everything very compartmentalized and make sure no one enters my baby’s bubble. It’s for my sanity as well as his emotional well-being and it’s worked so far.

Am I wrong to think that 3 words should have so much power? Am I being naive to think that love is real anymore? Am I damaging my child by not exposing him to my relationships?

I don’t want to be like some of the women I know who basically have a revolving door of men through their house, interacting with their children and then disappearing without a trace. Talk about abandonment issues plus are you getting criminal record checks done on these dudes? I’ve known people for decades and still wouldn’t trust them around my kid- how do you meet randos on the inter-webs and allow them to just walk into your home? I watch a lot of Criminal Minds and every fiber of my being tells me that’s not a good idea.

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